En Garde

You tell yourself, be on your guard
It's a new place, nobody knows you
If thinking everyone is against you is what it takes to succeed, do it.

You fail.
In your defense, it was way too difficult.

Speech is like a pretty snake.
It's beautiful, flowy, and distracts you, but in the end, it's probably full of poison.

So, you start over again.
But,

You keep these experiences in mind,
Like a machine learning algorithm – Observe, Learn, Adapt.

Always remember, be on your guard.
It's when you let your guard down that it hurts the most.
If keeping people at a distance is what it takes, do it.

NaNoWriMo Day 5: One of those days

I’m not exactly out of words, but remember when I said that sometimes my days are just uneventful and there’s not much to talk about?

This is one of those days. I basically wrote yesterday’s blog, took a nap, and have been watching Downton Abbey Season 6 for the past few hours.

This is definitely Procrastination Central for me, since it’s definitely not like I don’t have things to do. I have to throw out things I don’t need, start packing things to make life easier for future me, search for apartments in the new place to live. Instead, I want to know more about what happened to Marigold, will Edith ever kick her editor in the nuts, and if Edith ends up being not straight. (She can’t find the right man, because she needs a woman!)

NaNoWriMo Day 4: She said Yes (to the dress)!

This article is going to be slightly one friend-centric, because I love her (and I spent almost the whole day with her yesterday). So, I’m going to tell you a story for the backstory to make sense:

Back in early-ass 2016 (like literally the first few weeks), your girl was trying to bake things which weren’t just muffins with different berries each time. One of her friends asked her if she wanted to bake with her and her friend. (she – me, her – friend, her friend – friend’s friend; because I’ve started this third person rollercoaster and I can’t get out.)

Your girl was nervous because this was clearly their tradition that she was taking part in. Also, the fact that they’d been baking for more than a year and she had just started was clearly intimidating. She sucked it up and said yes. One sunny Saturday afternoon, she got into the friend’s friend’s car, and the rest is history. (I’ll stop now.)

We started baking almost every weekend (well, not anymore), and made quite a few good desserts. If you’ve seen pretty macarons, cheesecakes, and pies on my Instagram (here), they’re the reason why.

Going forward to the actual day I’m supposed to be writing about…

NaNoWriMo Day 3: Please Stop the Small Talk

So, this is late.

No, I did not stop writing two days in.

I’m just socially exhausted, but you’ll see why when you read ahead.

Day 3: Please stop the small talk

Today’s agenda included going to work, going to an event about 50 miles away, then staying over at a friend’s place. You can already see why this month is perfect to talk about my day.

NaNoWriMo Day 2: Center of Attention

Today started off on a really weird note.

I usually wake up at 6 to get ready for work. I sometimes have these dreams which almost seem on the brink of reality with how detailed and imaginative they are. (Damn you, mind, for being so creative!) I sometimes feel like I can experience sensory details inside these dreams because of how immersive they are.

The notes I’ve written for today morning’s dream right as I woke up include this: (because you tend to forget details through the day)

Dream involving two kids get home
Try to get them out of the dream so that they can write a bit on my blog

It’s almost funny as to how nonchalant 6 a.m. me was about dragging people out of a dream. Or am I ruining some sort of alternate universe timeline by revealing these details? (Dun dun dun!)

NaNoWriMo Day 1: State of Limbo

NaNoWriMo is something that I always want to commit to. Back in the olden days (like 4 years back), I actually wrote about 30,000 words of fanfiction in November 2013. I used to wake up at 4 am to talk to my friend in Greece, and we used to write together till it was time for me to get ready for school.

However, times have changed, I read more than I write, and I don’t have the free time that undergrad promised me I would have for the rest of my life. So, no, you’re not getting trashy Glee fanfiction which can be used as fodder for burning fires this winter. (Yes, I’m stretching this metaphor. Yes, I know it’s shitty. It’s also my blog.)

Instead, this is the first of 30 wlogs (like vlogs, but w - because I’m writing, not recording a video) of the next 30 days. In these days, I plan on documenting my thoughts and experiences each day, and trying to get something unique each time. This month (spoiler alert) is going to be more eventful, so I think it’s a sign that this was meant to be.

If you are in this with me, you can follow my blog (look to your right), and kick my butt if I’m not posting every day this month. I promise to be slightly entertaining, and give you my opinions on shows and music if I have nothing interesting for that day.

The Mess You Made

I have a chest of memories, with multiple compartments
Most are on the surface, visible to everyone,
A certain few haven't been revealed in years

As you gain levels in our friendship, I give you access to more of these memories
I presume you do the same for me, because what is friendship if not sharing deep dark secrets and not being judged
But then something happens and you slink away

Leaving my chest open, all my memories strewn about
Leaving me to pick up the pieces and move on
Leaving me to clean up the mess you made

I hope you find another friend to confide your secrets to

But...

I hope you don't break their heart the way you broke mine
I hope they realize they aren't at fault when you move on, yet again

Assumption

Think about the way you emote when you speak

That upwards tilt of sarcasm

That high-pitch of curiosity

The break in your voice when you try to hold onto those tears

Take all of this on social media and none of it is projected

People misunderstand, people obfuscate

You're stuck at the cliff, all by yourself, instead of supported by a million others

All your kindness is taken for weakness

All your support is taken as a stunt

The next time you call someone problematic,

Keep all of this in mind, try a little tenderness

You both might be on the same side,

except you made a decision to assume too early.

New Year, Blue Me?

It’s 11 days late and I still haven’t posted my New Years’ post oh no! Procrastination FTW, but more like I fell sick and then traveled to another country and was overwhelmed and had to stop and -

WAIT

REWIND

Hello! It’s the new year, but it’s still the same me? Or a more blue me (literally) as my sister convinced me to buy more blue clothes as opposed to the black I usually adore all the time.

I think 2016 was not a very special year overall, but it had so many ups and downs throughout the year that I completely forgot about.

Silence

I had my breakfast.
I gave up the button that started a liberal conversation,
I mourned the lack of freedom of speech,
I stopped talking.

I walk across campus, silent people everywhere
The look of despair on their faces, the feeling of helplessness in the air,
I empathized with them,
I had nothing to say.

One particular person helped me more than I could imagine,
They convinced me that I am still valid, that my thoughts are still important,
They cared for me, even if just for twenty minutes,
I spilled my secrets to a stranger tonight.

Lost hope, no more

Please don’t study for 21 hours and sleep only for 3,
Please don’t worry yourself into a panic about deadlines,
Please don’t lose yourself while worrying about the whole damn world,
Please don’t.

Pamper yourself, get that bubble bath,
Go buy a pint of ice-cream and watch that thing you like,
Block people who are negative, put photos up of your friends,
Self-care is important.

-               —  Me, learning after a semester of breakdowns and lost hope.

Complete this List

I want to watch movies with someone
Have some cheesy popcorn to accompany my cheese
Lose track of time as the sun comes up
The rays illuminating their beauty

I want to chill with someone
Both of us doing our own thing
Distracting each other at points
Making memories as we go along

I want to have a food fight with someone
Maybe I’d be the one starting it
Maybe I’d be the one running away
Ending it with sweet kisses

I want to talk to someone
Exchange deep secrets, or just funny moments
Each word bringing us closer
Each memory melting into another

One day, there will be a someone
Someone who will complete this list with me
Till then, I’ll be patient
Till then, I’ll be waiting

Love is not a choice; neither is sexuality

I saw a post on Facebook today, and it upset me, made me happy and then upset me again.

Confused? Let me explain myself:

An acquaintance of mine made a post about how a person they knew thought gay people were sick. Said acquaintance of mine tried to reason with him, but to no avail.

I was upset because such people exist, happy that my acquaintance was an ally, and upset because apparently having decent human thoughts is a big freaking deal in my head?

Eons Away

This came out of nowhere,
and it feels like the worst time,
but when I see your face,
time seems to slip away.

You most certainly aren’t perfect,
definitely not for me,
but when I see your face,
the words just flow out of me.

I know I will regret this one day,
and I feel like you might, too,
but when I see your face,
that day seems eons away.

Just be

Relationships don’t have to be romantic for them to be beautiful.
It’s those little things about you that they remember because they’ve actually paid attention.
A mention of painful shoes and they know which one it is.
A mention of a specific friend and they remember me talking about them.
A complaint about a sad day and them knowing how to make me feel better.

These things seem so little, but they are so much.
They are the culmination of something you started a while back,
The realization that they like you as much as you like them,
Things don’t have to be romantic for them to be perfect,
They just need to, well, be.

If crazy equals genius, I'm a rocket scientist

Today feels like a very normal day. I got up late, had breakfast and entered my lab so I could start working. But everything feels so different, because my usual study playlist will now remind me of last night and all the amazement that came along with it.

After the longest time I got to see Panic! at the Disco, live, last night. When I say the longest time, I am not kidding.

Yep, I had bought the ticket way back in February, when I was not even sure if I was going to be in Dallas in July. There were potential friends who couldn’t come along, there was a chance I couldn’t have gone, but somehow everything worked out in my favor.

Until...

I thought I wasn't nostalgic about this
Until I saw the empty apartment.
The spaces where my posters used to be,
The small kitchen I shared.

Tiptoeing in at 3 am so as to not wake up the roommate,
Sleeping through the same,
Laughing through the night with friends,
Avoiding conflict while making more memories

 All these memories are there in my head,
Just waiting to be relived,
In a new place, in a new home
Some things have changed, but definitely not all. 

Just a Statistic

Love is universal, they say.
Then why does a kiss incite such a riot?
How does one live their life,
When they're too busy not getting killed by media or by society?

Tired of being a label, tired of being shunned,
Tired of seeing the numbers increase.
There go the people trying not to react to the Orlando news,
Because if you're not straight, you're just one of "those" people to them.

America is a land of opportunity, a land of hope,
Judging from the events, I guess that's true only if you're straight.
How do you display your Pride,
If you're playing a game of Truth or Die?

If this is the perfect life, then I do not want it,
Because apparently I would be just a statistic.

With thoughts one hundred

It’s the way you say you’re not perfect
As if so many people have told you that before
As I deny your statement, you emphatically defend it,
With examples one hundred.

It’s the way we have tons of inside jokes,
Including them in our normal conversations are easy as pie,
If we have friends with us, I have to explain
With stories one hundred.

It’s the way you want me to meet your friends,
As if it’s not even an issue,
Maybe it isn’t in your head, but my head is spinning
With assumptions one hundred.

It’s the way I’m so lost about you,
Not sure how to define you in my head,
Maybe I should let these thoughts to rest, however
With doubts one hundred.

... and so am I

One year ago,
Black Coffee? Too strong for me, I’ll pass, thanks.
Politics? Too controversial for me, I’ll pass, thanks.
Perseverance? Not applicable to me, I’ll pass, thanks.

Look at me now, sipping a full mug of coffee with just a dash of milk.
Look at me now, befriending people as we ponder upon the future of this society I am now a part of.
Look at me now, studying the night away even though my future is uncertain.

Life is changing, and so am I.