En Garde

You tell yourself, be on your guard
It's a new place, nobody knows you
If thinking everyone is against you is what it takes to succeed, do it.

You fail.
In your defense, it was way too difficult.

Speech is like a pretty snake.
It's beautiful, flowy, and distracts you, but in the end, it's probably full of poison.

So, you start over again.
But,

You keep these experiences in mind,
Like a machine learning algorithm – Observe, Learn, Adapt.

Always remember, be on your guard.
It's when you let your guard down that it hurts the most.
If keeping people at a distance is what it takes, do it.

The Mess You Made

I have a chest of memories, with multiple compartments
Most are on the surface, visible to everyone,
A certain few haven't been revealed in years

As you gain levels in our friendship, I give you access to more of these memories
I presume you do the same for me, because what is friendship if not sharing deep dark secrets and not being judged
But then something happens and you slink away

Leaving my chest open, all my memories strewn about
Leaving me to pick up the pieces and move on
Leaving me to clean up the mess you made

I hope you find another friend to confide your secrets to

But...

I hope you don't break their heart the way you broke mine
I hope they realize they aren't at fault when you move on, yet again

Assumption

Think about the way you emote when you speak

That upwards tilt of sarcasm

That high-pitch of curiosity

The break in your voice when you try to hold onto those tears

Take all of this on social media and none of it is projected

People misunderstand, people obfuscate

You're stuck at the cliff, all by yourself, instead of supported by a million others

All your kindness is taken for weakness

All your support is taken as a stunt

The next time you call someone problematic,

Keep all of this in mind, try a little tenderness

You both might be on the same side,

except you made a decision to assume too early.

Silence

I had my breakfast.
I gave up the button that started a liberal conversation,
I mourned the lack of freedom of speech,
I stopped talking.

I walk across campus, silent people everywhere
The look of despair on their faces, the feeling of helplessness in the air,
I empathized with them,
I had nothing to say.

One particular person helped me more than I could imagine,
They convinced me that I am still valid, that my thoughts are still important,
They cared for me, even if just for twenty minutes,
I spilled my secrets to a stranger tonight.

Complete this List

I want to watch movies with someone
Have some cheesy popcorn to accompany my cheese
Lose track of time as the sun comes up
The rays illuminating their beauty

I want to chill with someone
Both of us doing our own thing
Distracting each other at points
Making memories as we go along

I want to have a food fight with someone
Maybe I’d be the one starting it
Maybe I’d be the one running away
Ending it with sweet kisses

I want to talk to someone
Exchange deep secrets, or just funny moments
Each word bringing us closer
Each memory melting into another

One day, there will be a someone
Someone who will complete this list with me
Till then, I’ll be patient
Till then, I’ll be waiting

Eons Away

This came out of nowhere,
and it feels like the worst time,
but when I see your face,
time seems to slip away.

You most certainly aren’t perfect,
definitely not for me,
but when I see your face,
the words just flow out of me.

I know I will regret this one day,
and I feel like you might, too,
but when I see your face,
that day seems eons away.

With thoughts one hundred

It’s the way you say you’re not perfect
As if so many people have told you that before
As I deny your statement, you emphatically defend it,
With examples one hundred.

It’s the way we have tons of inside jokes,
Including them in our normal conversations are easy as pie,
If we have friends with us, I have to explain
With stories one hundred.

It’s the way you want me to meet your friends,
As if it’s not even an issue,
Maybe it isn’t in your head, but my head is spinning
With assumptions one hundred.

It’s the way I’m so lost about you,
Not sure how to define you in my head,
Maybe I should let these thoughts to rest, however
With doubts one hundred.

I jinx myself

Sometimes I jinx myself,
Sometimes I hope too much,
Sometimes I think a lot
All of these are lies.

It’s not just sometimes,
It’s all the fucking time.
My brain refuses to work
My heart refuses to listen

I patiently wait for the end
To the time that I out-stubborn myself
I can go back to non-distractions
Till something else gets my attention

So long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, adieu!

Blank stares at blank pages,
No easy way to say this…

The next lines do not exactly apply to the situation, since I am writing this of my own volition and no one is forcing me to write something (That’s what they are making me say).

In a very short period of time, I will be leaving. For a new adventure, they say. For independence, they cheer. For studies, they cry. All of these apply to me and yet I am not ready for it.

I leave for my Masters’. It is such a great thing, a thing I have been looking forward to for most of my academic life. However, with such things, there is always something you do not want to face. For me, it is definitely leaving my parents. I have been with them for all of my twenty-two years. Leaving them makes me feel like a chick leaving the nest, ready to fly on her own. She stumbles and falls, learning to fly, and then soars beautifully. In that very long metaphor, I am the chick who the bird parents will have to kick out of the nest so she can learn to fly by herself (Love you guys!)

Apart from them, there are so many places here filled with memories for me. My favorite coffee place, the grocery store down the road, the photo studio man who always smiles, the thirteen minute walk to the bus stop that takes you to college etc. The list can go on and on.

And the people. Oh, the people! All my friends, whether we played together as babies, or just started talking to each other a while back. I would be missing all of them. Before you mention the clichéd (yes, it counts as clichéd if you heard it about twenty times in the last month) Skype and Whatsapp and how it is not like the old times when you had to trunk call people, it’s not the same.

I would not be able to use college as an excuse to meet people. Open the lift to find a friend who I haven’t met in a long time. Running into your old friends at pretentious coffee places would be next to impossible.

My point after all of this angst is that,

If I have met you in the last month, thank you for making time to meet me before I leave.

If we have not met, I am so sorry I did not reply or if you were too busy. We always have Facebook.

If you did not know I was leaving on Sunday morning, you’re not a close enough friend (I kid, sorry whoever you are.)

I shall try to be more frequent on social media sites other than Instagram (I need to get a grip). I shall try to keep in contact with friends despite the time zone. It is a two way street, though. Just ping me if you want to talk, I will reply, albeit later, but I shall.

Somehow, I feel like I should write more. Discuss the books I am leaving behind, talk about the hangouts I would miss, describe everything. If I would read this post two years later, I would have picture-perfect memories of these places because of this post. However, I do not think that is wise for my psyche right now. (No, I am not crying. Yet.)

Right now? This is the usual scene at my place. Everyone is at their laptop or mobile phone in the living room. Some song plays in the background. We give each other company, and give them space to do their thing as well.

The difference? Three suitcases sit right next to the couch. My throat is slightly choked as I write my blog post. A check list lies next to me. A neck pillow, just waiting to be worn.

I hope when I do read this two years later, I am not so different that I do not identify with who I am as I write this post. See you on the flip side!

Till then, Nitwit! Blubber! Oddment! Tweak!

Fandoms brings people together, Life tears them apart

Okay, the title is slightly melodramatic, but I couldn’t find a term which would work better on a smaller scale.

I keep mentioning in my articles about how life changes your point of view on things. It is definitely a good thing because you allow yourself to evolve based on situations and life experiences you’ve gone through and so on. At the same time, your opinion about many issues change.

When I was in junior college, my criteria for dating was that the person should be able to keep up with my Harry Potter trivia. They should also be okay with the fact that my best friends then were boys and that I would probably put them first over the person I was dating.

In engineering, Harry Potter was still the main point. However, proper English and non-text speak came into the picture. Very ironic considering the fact that I used text speak in tenth grade like it was going out of fashion.

Last year, I came to the conclusion that the person I date should be able to understand fangirling, fandoms and the like. Considering the fact that I am 60% fandom, 35% nerd and 5% lame jokes, being into fandoms or just getting fandoms would mean the world to me. (Applause here that I didn’t give into my dirty mind and type 69% fandom.)

However, thinking about some things makes me wonder, not if I set the bar too high, but if the bar should be based on something more relevant.

Story 1:

About three years back, two of my friends met each other through Glee, continued on to watch Doctor Who, and went from being friends to more. They were so much more that all of their mutual friends shipped them. If not for the distance problem, they might have actually been married by now. However, there was an ego clash with respect to one person’s career, and the relationship ended.

Story 2:

About two years back, two friends of mine got together due to their mutual love of Doctor Who. Same thing about many of their friends shipping them together and the like. About 18 months later, personal problems caused them to break up.

This made me realize that being in fandoms would not necessarily mean that it would be a picture perfect relationship. Fandoms would be just one more thing in life I share with that person. Yes, it would make life easier for when I’m crying because of feels and don’t have to explain what feels is and so on. But at the same time, is it something absolutely necessary?

Right now, I still feel yes. Maybe, in two years from now, I’ll be in a different place, dating someone who doesn’t know shit about fandoms but is willing to learn stuff for me. Maybe I’ll find someone who fanpersons over stuff, gets all my references and cracks puns back at me. Maybe.

Was there a point to this? Probably not. 

Please do tell me if there’s a condition people need to meet before you would date them in the comments! Love you guys!

P.S. This was the first time I couldn't find a proper song to end the article with. Maybe I'll edit this in the future. Too disorganized, I feel.

We keep these memories for ourselves...

I’ve made up notes, I know what to write, I have some witty one-liners I want to put into the article, but my hands will not type. I'm not sure why. Maybe it's because I prefer to retain these memories in my head instead of on (proverbial) paper. Maybe it’s because I don’t know how to convey the emotions I felt when I saw him come up on stage. It’s a mix of pride and happiness and please let me stay in this moment forever because his voice is so good.

It’s been ten days since I went for the Ed Sheeran Concert, and damn, but that night was one of the best ones of my life.

Okay, now that I’ve started writing, I might as well finish everything up.

This concert is the third one I’ve been to. The first one was Yanni, which was a sit-down concert and absolutely ethereal. The second was David Guetta, which could have gone much better. I had some concerns due to this, but I was going with friends, so it was bound to be fun. Right?

I actually got so much into it that I painted a t-shirt for me. My friend asked if I would do it for him too, and thus, we stand, with the chorus of “The City” and “I See Fire” respectively:

No one tells you how much your legs kill to stand up for five hours straight. I wonder how they stand outside the Buckingham Palace, when I had to stretch my legs every five minutes while scream-singing at the top of my voice. I had to sit down at one point because I just couldn’t do it anymore. But then I stood up, because I couldn’t miss him singing the dulcet tunes of “Thinking Out Loud” now, could I?

He wore a blue kurta, and looked adorable in it while strumming his guitar. This was the tour for his X (Multiply) album, but he sang songs from his previous album as well. He knew how to engage the audience very well.

There was this moment when he spoke about how people raising their hands up and down during hip-hop concerts made him feel awkward if he didn’t play along with them. Saying that, he told us to do the same when the beat dropped during “Bloodstream”. My hand goes up and down subconsciously every time I listen to it now. (Whoops, I had put Ed Sheeran’s songs on shuffle and Bloodstream just came on. What a coincidence... honestly).

During "Give Me Love", there’s this part in the middle that goes Amamaya amamaya amamaya gimme love love. The whole audience sang it with him, and that feeling of togetherness, the harmonies being formed without even realizing is something you don't find every day.

 (Smau, if you’re reading this, I hate you for what you sang about this song. It’s stuck in my head now.)

"Lego House" had lego versions of Ed Sheeran and Roonil Wazlib displayed on the screen, which were the cutest ever. Tenerife Sea had Ed’s blue blue eyes on the screen when the line “The way it brings out the blue in your eyes” played. Sadly, he didn’t play Small Bump, but there were so many other favorites of mine that I was happy. Especially with “You Need Me”, when I happily screamed out the last line despite the fact that the tween in front of me was giving me major side-eye. (If you want to know, it’s the They say I’m up and coming line.)

But, man, the best one ever was… I see Fire. That song just gives me chills and when he played it, I just died. Bonus points was Smaug appearing on screen since the song was on the Hobbit soundtrack.

I am a sucker for covers of songs, especially by artists I know. I do not feel guilty to say that I went searching for his, and found a lot! He makes them sound so brilliant. (That article of MTV that showed 10 songs that he covered? I knew all of them and more... :D) I have heard them enough times to know when the lilt of his voice goes up while singing “Feeling Good”.

Listening to it on YouTube and having him sing it live is another thing though. There’s this part where he goes very high-pitched, singing “It’s a new dawn, it’s a new day, it’s a new life, and it’s alllll for me.” (Comes at 2:23 in the link above) He did that during the concert and I sang my heart out, high-pitched, probably screechy, and I didn’t care.

Other bonus covers were Superstitious by Stevie Wonder, No Diggity by Blackstreet and Fancy by Iggy Azalea.

I must mention that he sang In Da Club in the middle of “You Need Me”, but that part is there in the EP version of the song, so not sure if it counts separately (Yes, I know different versions of the same song – there’s three versions of this one)

We got in at 5 pm, came out at 10, and now I know I can look at this article if I want to remember. I don’t think it’ll be necessary though – all these memories play in my mind every time one of the songs plays on.

Leaving you with this song, because it describes my feelings perfectly about this concert