I had my breakfast.
I gave up the button that started a liberal conversation,
I mourned the lack of freedom of speech,
I stopped talking.
I walk across campus, silent people everywhere
The look of despair on their faces, the feeling of helplessness in the air,
I empathized with them,
I had nothing to say.
One particular person helped me more than I could imagine,
They convinced me that I am still valid, that my thoughts are still important,
They cared for me, even if just for twenty minutes,
I spilled my secrets to a stranger tonight.
Please don’t study for 21 hours and sleep only for 3,
Please don’t worry yourself into a panic about deadlines,
Please don’t lose yourself while worrying about the whole damn world,
Please don’t.
Pamper yourself, get that bubble bath,
Go buy a pint of ice-cream and watch that thing you like,
Block people who are negative, put photos up of your friends,
Self-care is important.
-—Me, learning after a semester of breakdowns and
lost hope.
I want to watch movies with someone
Have some cheesy popcorn to accompany my cheese
Lose track of time as the sun comes up
The rays illuminating their beauty
I want to chill with someone
Both of us doing our own thing
Distracting each other at points
Making memories as we go along
I want to have a food fight with someone
Maybe I’d be the one starting it
Maybe I’d be the one running away
Ending it with sweet kisses
I want to talk to someone
Exchange deep secrets, or just funny moments
Each word bringing us closer
Each memory melting into another
One day, there will be a someone
Someone who will complete this list with me
Till then, I’ll be patient
Till then, I’ll be waiting
I saw a post on Facebook today, and it upset me, made me
happy and then upset me again.
Confused? Let me explain myself:
An acquaintance of mine made a post about how a person they
knew thought gay people were sick. Said acquaintance of mine tried to reason
with him, but to no avail.
I was upset because such people exist, happy that my
acquaintance was an ally, and upset because apparently having decent human
thoughts is a big freaking deal in my head?
Relationships don’t have to be romantic for them to be
beautiful.
It’s those little things about you that they remember because they’ve actually
paid attention.
A mention of painful shoes and they know which one it is.
A mention of a specific friend and they remember me talking about them.
A complaint about a sad day and them knowing how to make me feel better.
These things seem so little, but they are so much.
They are the culmination of something you started a while back,
The realization that they like you as much as you like them,
Things don’t have to be romantic for them to be perfect,
They just need to, well, be.
Today feels like a very normal day. I got up late, had breakfast
and entered my lab so I could start working. But everything feels so different,
because my usual study playlist will now remind me of last night and all the
amazement that came along with it.
After the longest time I got to see Panic! at the Disco,
live, last night. When I say the longest time, I am not kidding.
Yep, I had bought the ticket way back in February, when I
was not even sure if I was going to be in Dallas in July. There were potential
friends who couldn’t come along, there was a chance I couldn’t have gone, but
somehow everything worked out in my favor.
I thought I wasn't nostalgic about this
Until I saw the empty apartment.
The spaces where my posters used to be,
The small kitchen I shared.
Tiptoeing in at 3 am so as to not wake up the roommate,
Sleeping through the same,
Laughing through the night with friends,
Avoiding conflict while making more memories
All these memories are there in my head,
Just waiting to be relived,
In a new place, in a new home
Some things have changed, but definitely not all.
Love is universal, they say.
Then why does a kiss incite such a riot?
How does one live their life,
When they're too busy not getting killed by media or by society?
Tired of being a label, tired of being shunned,
Tired of seeing the numbers increase.
There go the people trying not to react to the Orlando news,
Because if you're not straight, you're just one of "those" people to them.
America is a land of opportunity, a land of hope,
Judging from the events, I guess that's true only if you're straight.
How do you display your Pride,
If you're playing a game of Truth or Die?
If this is the perfect life, then I do not want it,
Because apparently I would be just a statistic.
It’s the way you say you’re not perfect
As if so many people have told you that before
As I deny your statement, you emphatically defend it,
With examples one hundred.
It’s the way we have tons of inside jokes,
Including them in our normal conversations are easy as pie,
If we have friends with us, I have to explain
With stories one hundred.
It’s the way you want me to meet your friends,
As if it’s not even an issue,
Maybe it isn’t in your head, but my head is spinning
With assumptions one hundred.
It’s the way I’m so lost about you,
Not sure how to define you in my head,
Maybe I should let these thoughts to rest, however
With doubts one hundred.
One year ago,
Black Coffee? Too strong for me, I’ll pass, thanks.
Politics? Too controversial for me, I’ll pass, thanks.
Perseverance? Not applicable to me, I’ll pass, thanks.
Look at me now, sipping a full mug of coffee with just a
dash of milk.
Look at me now, befriending people as we ponder upon the future of this society
I am now a part of.
Look at me now, studying the night away even though my future is uncertain.
[Trying my
best to be as correct as possible, since the people who do not have the same
opinion as me are not necessarily in the wrong and me in the right.]
I found this
image on Tumblr, and tons of repressed memories popped into my head. Memories
that needed to be spilled out onto virtual paper. Memories that some people
might identify with, and I hate that people had to go through this to identify
with the feeling.
I have always
been an over-the-top person with my heart on my sleeve, waiting to tell someone
the best thing ever. Poker Face is just a Lady Gaga song to me and not something
I have. Every time I had something exciting in my life, I always wanted to
share it with everyone.
Society in
this time and age, however, mostly works purely on sarcasm and putting down
people who actually like stuff. A person ends up having to like something “ironically”
just to get by the people who would pull them down.
I have been
on both sides, unfortunately. I used to be the person who used to shake my head
when people sang Taylor Swift songs or even said they liked her music. I was
also a person who liked to follow Glee unapologetically at the same time. See
the duality (read: hypocrisy) in my own personality?
I remember a
friend of mine who was in junior college while I was in engineering. She was in
charge of a fest and spent a lot of time publicizing it. A tiny part of me, a
part which I call the “evil society opinion” part, thought that she was wasting
her time for no reason, getting all hyped about a fest which would be forgotten
two hours after it ended. The rational part of me, the one which makes me try
to be politically correct, immediately thought, “Well, why can’t she be excited
about something? It is a thing she is into and something she likes.”
I want to put
it up to age. I want to say that as children, we have short attention spans and
do not have the time to humor someone else’s opinions. I want to say that as we
grow older, our maturity allows us to accept other opinions and listen to them.
However, this is the ideal situation, not the norm. I have friends who
sometimes listen to me talk about something for ages, but completely tune me
out if they are not in the mood to listen to me.
Sometimes, I
can see my own words hiccuping, the myriad of sentences in my multi-tasking
brain coming to a pause, my brain rearranging my thoughts to appease the other
person as opposed to getting my own opinions out. Let me tell you, this is a
very toxic path to walk on. If you’re not careful enough, you can easily fall
down the cliff and become a yes-person. You become so worried about other
people’s opinions that you completely mask your own to wholeheartedly agree
with theirs.
Coming back
to the original image, I observe that I am still apologetic when I rant on and
on about something. Whether it be feminism, Harry Potter or just the fact that
a student I work with validated all my hard work with one heart-felt
compliment, I worry that I talk too much, that I am making it all about myself.
However, looking
at it from an outsider’s point of view, I am content to let them ramble on and
on about their life. What is so bad about my life that it is not worth the same
attention that theirs is?
On a slightly
related note, people love to put themselves down, but not others. You can
always see people compliment other people on everything from their wardrobe to
small accomplishments in their life. Praising themselves, although, is another
matter. I almost always exert a self-deprecating view of the things I have
done, probably because it seems easier to make it sound like my accomplishments
are smaller, that they do not matter enough.
This might
just come back to society where praising yourself is equivalent to arrogance,
that only self-obsessed pricks (presumably) are allowed to build themselves up.
Well, I disagree. Sometimes, you have to be your own cheerleader. That implies
that achievements, however small or big should be celebrated. It is progress in
your life, and isn’t that the best thing ever?
So, remember
kids,
1.When your brain is ready and signals to your
mouth to say something that might upset someone, think about it:
a.Would you usually pass that comment?
b.Is it a dick comment?
c.If (b) is true, do not make it, irrespective of
the answer to a. Think of it as an OR statement.
2.Reward yourself when you have completed
something you thought was difficult. It doesn’t necessarily have to be food, it
could be that top you were eyeing, that YouTube video you haven’t seen yet
because it’s a whole hour as opposed to just about ten minutes, something that
makes you happy.
Have you guys ever faced something? Let me know and we can bond over it!
Keep this
song in your head, and sing it out to others (or even yourself) when they try
to bring you down:
In the past two days, I have seen
so many photos of people walking the stage wearing black graduation robes, that I stopped wearing
black myself.
Just kidding.
Despite the fact that I am happy
here, all these images do make me slightly sad that I did not get to walk the
stage and “officially” graduate, so to speak.
My senior year in undergraduate
(or final year B.E , for Indian folks) was a slightly dramatic year. It
included stressful mornings and tearful nights. It came to the point where I
felt that my undergrad was a book which had been read once, never to be opened
again.
That is not how I want to live my
life, though. I did have some brilliant memories, shaded by bittersweet
emotions when I see them now. I thought I would go on a small walk down memory
lane, with eight somewhat significant incidents, for eight semesters of my
life!
§The
time where I experimented with embedded systems
This was during the end of my
first semester. IIT Bombay had a workshop going on, and Savio convinced me that
I should join him and his friend to make an r-Hex robot. It was a new
experience for me, and I still remember leaving the house at six am so I could
go meet them and travel to the University together.
Side note: This is also one of my
most favorite pictures with Savio. Much innocent, such cuteness.
§The
time where I just let loose
I do not remember what course
this was for, but I remember we had to give a presentation. This was the first
time I had to wear formal clothes to college, and my friends and I were in the
phase of “DOCUMENTING EVERYTHING”. I took that as an excuse to climb on the
bench and start dancing to music, because *inspired look* every moment is a
moment for dancing.
§The
time where I went to Bandstand
Everyone in Mumbai knows
Bandstand as that place where all college students go, where all budding
couples make out secretly under dupattas, and where photos need to be taken.
My friend Chirag had come back to
Mumbai after three years. It made a perfect occasion to go to Bandstand with
drizzling rain washing out the streets beautifully. This was also an excuse to
take clichéd photos of our feet which was actually my cover photo on Facebook
for quite a while. (I regret everything)
§ The time where I traveled without my parents
The term IV makes every college
student ever burst into laughter. It is never an actual industrial visit, but just
the guise of one to go travel to different cities. Somehow, I had convinced my
parents to let me go to Goa with my college friends.
It was a whole night’s journey,
with a bonus running montage towards the train we needed to catch.
The train
stopped for a bit around sunrise, and I was able to take this beautiful picture.
§The
time I started my own tradition
23 April is not significant to
many people (unless it’s your birthday, in which case, Happy Birthday). However,
to Whovians, the 23rd of April is the Silence Day or Tally Mark Day.
I still remember the first time in 2013, where I drew about fifteen tally marks
on both of my hands and wore a jacket so my parents would not ask me why I was
leaving with Sharpie marks on my arms.
I have
always gone to a coffee shop on this day, baring the tally marks, doing my own thing, trying to find other crazy people.
§The
time I wore a sari in the rains (not like in Bollywood)
Ah, the last year of college.
Where everyone get suddenly nostalgic, every month is the “last month you will
ever spend at *insert college name here*”, and all the events suddenly become mandatory.
I decided to participate in this
particular human tradition of nostalgia and decided to wear a sari for sari
day. And attend lectures. After the bottom of my sari got wet due to the ankle
length water level outside my building. After my heels broke because of the
water (WHY DID I WEAR HEELS WHEN RAIN). Despite all that, I think I look cute.
§The
time I went to prom
My college always had Prom and DJ
night during the same evening, where couples danced during prom night, then the
masses gathered in to dance to crazy beats. I always attended the latter, but
never the former. This time though, I went as a rite of passage and I took one
of my favorite guys with me.
§The
time I got an admit to University
I still remember that night. I
had taken a break from studying for my last final. I was eating dinner with my
parents and going through my phone when I got a notification saying I had a new
email message. I opened it, and this was the sight that faced me.
I remember ugly crying, hugging
my parents, trying to reach my sister so I could tell her I was going to the
States along with her, getting ready for the next part of my life.
Other momentary occasions with no
images:
§The
time I completed a robotics certification for a KUKA Hexapod Robot but never
received the actual certificate
§The
time I received government funding for my final year project
§So
much binge watching
§All
the sleepovers
Tl;dr: 2011 to 2015 was not that
bad as I make it out to be to myself. With so much photographic evidence, I can
now prove myself wrong.
Leaving you with this song,
because the song is catchy, and also this article is a 1000 word version of the
chorus.
In the last six months, I have met about ten different
people every week. You may say, it is a new place with new situations. You may
say, the other people are the same way and you can just reintroduce yourself.
But, when you forget a person’s name literally ten seconds after they introduce
themselves to you? Not cool at all.
My sister and I were visiting extended family last week. I
had been to their place before and so was familiar with them to a certain
extent. She asked me about them, and I said something along the lines of,
These are
the people who I know. Their son’s name is ABC, their other son’s name is XYZ
and the first one has two kids, whose ages… um, I can’t remember. Their names?
Nope. The wife? Nada.
Well, my sister just shook her head at me because she’s used
to my antics. In real life? I do not think people would humor me as much.
Similarly, I had met a guy who was in the same class as me. We had conversed multiple times and in one of those conversations, he offered to exchange numbers. As
you would know it, I had no idea what his name was. I tried to be all smooth and
gave him my phone to enter in his details. He was too smart, though and called
me out.
The funny part is, I had someone to do the same to me as
well. He handed me his phone and said, “Oh, I need your full name for my
phone.” I called him out as well, at which point he just gave a sheepish smile.
Note to self: I really need to try and pay more attention to
my surroundings so I don’t mess up with people I would like to befriend.
The sad part? This doesn’t stop here.
You know that thing on the tip of your tongue? You know the
exact concept, you can even describe it to a person, but getting that exact
word? Good luck!
I go through this a lot to the point where people wonder if
I lost my marbles along with my words. Select friends of mine have gotten used
to completing my sentences since I will and shall spend ten minutes trying to
think of that exact word and going through multiple sites to get the same.
It is frankly frustrating, and one of the things I hate
about myself. I think it is partly because I do not use those words as often as
I do simpler ones. However, when I cannot remember words as simple as vivacious,
or worse, commit one of the great grammar sins like affect instead of effect, I
want to put myself in a corner and wear the cone of shame.
I am hoping that this really does not trip me up somewhere
important as opposed to a random conversation about something with friends.
Do you guys have any forgetfulness problems? Do they happen
right around exams? Let me know!
Leaving you with this song since I think this is how the names and words evade me:
I got
government funding for my undergrad project!
I got
into University!
I
moved out of my parents’ place for the first time in my life.
I read
38 books in 2015, altogether.
(Yes, I count that
many books as an accomplishment and wish I could have made it an even fifty, or
at least forty.)
I realize that
2015 is the only year where I have officially lived in two different countries.
Even if/when I go back home to Mumbai, it would be on vacation so to speak. I
am surprisingly okay with that (says the person who would be bawling her eyes
out while leaving).
Moving to a Different Phase
Somehow, moving
out from your parents’ and into your own apartment is a seamless transition.
That is, if you do not count the parts where you complain about the conversion
rates, have to find new friends, buy almost everything except the sink to
furnish your new apartment and so on.
That was only the
first month. After that, it was mostly me and my laptop at the library. We have
a wonderful relationship where I spend twenty hours a day with it and drop it on
the floor when I am really sleepy.
I also discovered
a new love – baking. I am hoping to expand into savory stuff as opposed to just
baking muffins because I cannot eat them all!
Friendship
This was also the
time where some friends lasted the distance, while some just could not. I have
made my peace with it. Either the time zones were hard, or I was too difficult
to hold onto. With online friends (you know who you are), the situation was
exactly the same with just my time being earlier than them instead of later
than them.
Making new friends
is usually not hard for me. However, there is a difference between
making friends for the time you are there and making friends that last you a
lifetime. With respect to the latter, I think I can count the number of friends
on one hand, maybe two. With time, I guess I may or may not find more.
Music
If you see me in
the library with my earphones in, I am most probably listening to an 8tracks
playlist or a variety of chosen music on Spotify (Do I get paid for advertising
them?:P)
Somehow, I got
closer to music when I got here because that is the one connection that will
always stay with me. Certain artists that remind me of a person, certain songs
that reminds me of simpler times, or just making new memories.
One thing that frustrates
me is that I could not attend certain concerts because lack of time. I went
from ‘no one I like comes to Mumbai’ to ‘I have an exam the next day but FALL
OUT BOY’. Instead, I visited a dueling pianos bar about two days back which I
absolutely adored because live music and sing-shouting lyrics at the top of
your voice is the next best thing.
Shows
If anyone knows me
from earlier this year, they know that I am/was crazy about shows to the point
that I binge-watched three season in a week, or followed about fifteen shows
every week. All of that came to a pause after I got here. Mostly because the
only free time I have, I spend in sleeping. Not counting Jessica Jones because holiday time. Also, that show deserves to be binge-watched.
Writing
Writing has been
such an integral part of my life for the past four years that I almost felt
like I was cheating on it when I stopped writing due to lack of time. Despite
feeling this way, I have written fifteen articles/poems which I have posted on
this blog in 2015. I am hoping to be more frequent than once a month on the
blog this year.
Compared to me
last year, I am definitely different. My priorities, to some extent, have also
changed. I think this is a good thing, though. This could be the start of
something new (Quoting Disney, as usual, I am sorry).
I am not going to
do the resolutions thing because, well, it is the first day of the year and I
already want to go back to sleep.
Instead, I will
put up a list of what I am looking forward to doing this year:
Making
more friends
Concentrating
on my research
Playing
racquetball
Opening
up to new experiences and opinions
Writing
more. Definitely.
Just …
being happy
Leaving you with a
song I love which is also thematic for this article:
