Mostly Magnificent ^_^*

It’s been almost two months since I shifted from my little comfort zone to a whole new world, a dazzling place I never knew. (Stop quoting Disney songs, Vee!)

I sometimes get that ghost notion, the feeling that this isn’t actually my life, the feeling that I’m viewing all of this from farther away, wanting to live it. I then get shifted back to reality and realize that this is my life, now. Slightly solitary, mostly magnificent, interestingly innovative.

(Not exactly innovative, I just wanted to be alliterative.)

This blog post is not like the others, probably because I still have scattered thoughts that do not fit thematically as such.

The funny part about moving away is that you realize how close to you people actually are. There are those who you are sure you’ll be joking with as you reach the grave. There are the ones who are good friends, but time zones stress out the friendship. There are always a few who you wonder about: Were they really my friend, ever?

Yeah, this post starts off with angst. However, right now, I am pretty serene. This article seems to be amalgamating most of my thoughts and experiences occurring in this part of my life.

It feels like I am accomplishing most of my goals. I have topics to study that I actually like. I try to make new friends wherever I go. I maintain a semi-social life along with my studies and am very pleased with it. I try to keep in touch with most people. Hint to y’all out there: Even a hello and a selfie of your stupid face will make me giggle and smile. I reckon the same applies to you guys.

As you can see, I’ve tried to personalize my room. I still miss my old room with the exploding TARDIS and the photo frame with me, Savio and Neil trying to look cute and happy (Well, we were cute and happy, not trying to). This seems like a happy medium for now. I might put up pictures of friends when I get free to print them out and the like.

I have realized that not everyone reciprocates the same vibes that you do. I have tried to keep my mind open to new opinions, instead of sticking to my principles or something along those lines. I just realized how many times I use the word I. (There you go, quoting Disney again? Ah, whatever.)

Some thoughts friends have shared with me over the past week that I want to print out and stick on a wall:

•                 Not everyone can be your best friend.
•                Humans do not have the emotional capacity to deal with so many other people’s emotions.
•                Do not be too secretive. Have fun with others.
•                Slap them with a fish.
•                I alternate between ‘I suck’ and ‘I am amazing’ at an alarming rate.
•               You are finally enjoying what you want to do.
•               Find your happy medium, and stay there.
•               Do not overthink it.

I have actually missed writing so much. I might just do small articles every week about thoughts that astound me, songs that interest me, and topics that fascinate me.

Take these two songs stuck in my head like crazy!

I jinx myself

Sometimes I jinx myself,
Sometimes I hope too much,
Sometimes I think a lot
All of these are lies.

It’s not just sometimes,
It’s all the fucking time.
My brain refuses to work
My heart refuses to listen

I patiently wait for the end
To the time that I out-stubborn myself
I can go back to non-distractions
Till something else gets my attention

Better When Charred

So hard, it seems, to live your life
When your mind is in war with itself
One part of you, the popular, sweet one
While the other just sulks in the corner
A random thought makes you stay with people you know
While another makes you want to go mingle
You almost trip, make the same mistake again
But then someone comes up to remind you
You need not be like the other cookies
Some cookies are better when charred

So long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, adieu!

Blank stares at blank pages,
No easy way to say this…

The next lines do not exactly apply to the situation, since I am writing this of my own volition and no one is forcing me to write something (That’s what they are making me say).

In a very short period of time, I will be leaving. For a new adventure, they say. For independence, they cheer. For studies, they cry. All of these apply to me and yet I am not ready for it.

I leave for my Masters’. It is such a great thing, a thing I have been looking forward to for most of my academic life. However, with such things, there is always something you do not want to face. For me, it is definitely leaving my parents. I have been with them for all of my twenty-two years. Leaving them makes me feel like a chick leaving the nest, ready to fly on her own. She stumbles and falls, learning to fly, and then soars beautifully. In that very long metaphor, I am the chick who the bird parents will have to kick out of the nest so she can learn to fly by herself (Love you guys!)

Apart from them, there are so many places here filled with memories for me. My favorite coffee place, the grocery store down the road, the photo studio man who always smiles, the thirteen minute walk to the bus stop that takes you to college etc. The list can go on and on.

And the people. Oh, the people! All my friends, whether we played together as babies, or just started talking to each other a while back. I would be missing all of them. Before you mention the clichéd (yes, it counts as clichéd if you heard it about twenty times in the last month) Skype and Whatsapp and how it is not like the old times when you had to trunk call people, it’s not the same.

I would not be able to use college as an excuse to meet people. Open the lift to find a friend who I haven’t met in a long time. Running into your old friends at pretentious coffee places would be next to impossible.

My point after all of this angst is that,

If I have met you in the last month, thank you for making time to meet me before I leave.

If we have not met, I am so sorry I did not reply or if you were too busy. We always have Facebook.

If you did not know I was leaving on Sunday morning, you’re not a close enough friend (I kid, sorry whoever you are.)

I shall try to be more frequent on social media sites other than Instagram (I need to get a grip). I shall try to keep in contact with friends despite the time zone. It is a two way street, though. Just ping me if you want to talk, I will reply, albeit later, but I shall.

Somehow, I feel like I should write more. Discuss the books I am leaving behind, talk about the hangouts I would miss, describe everything. If I would read this post two years later, I would have picture-perfect memories of these places because of this post. However, I do not think that is wise for my psyche right now. (No, I am not crying. Yet.)

Right now? This is the usual scene at my place. Everyone is at their laptop or mobile phone in the living room. Some song plays in the background. We give each other company, and give them space to do their thing as well.

The difference? Three suitcases sit right next to the couch. My throat is slightly choked as I write my blog post. A check list lies next to me. A neck pillow, just waiting to be worn.

I hope when I do read this two years later, I am not so different that I do not identify with who I am as I write this post. See you on the flip side!

Till then, Nitwit! Blubber! Oddment! Tweak!

Give My Heart Away

I know I'm mostly wrong
Try to get up, try to be strong
But then I give up and
I give my heart away

Doesn't matter what people say
The things they do, the games they play
I know I should change but
I give my heart away

Every hope I hope
Every dream I dream
They all fall apart as
I give my heart away

I'll probably find someone new
Someone who wants me too
And the cycle begins again
I give my heart away...

All Over Again

Sometimes your words hurt me
I try to shield myself, let it bounce off
Some of the pain does get through

I crave affection from numerous people
I feel sad when they give more affection to others
It is an affliction I cannot cure

It is normal to be out of the loop nowadays
I keep quiet, something I never do
I worry I may never talk some day

If we rarely talk when we are so close
What will happen when we are miles apart?
If something should die, let it be my heart, all over again.

No More

You say it could have been done better

You say my hair looks okay

Your face shows a smile, but your eyes give it away.

No more.

You put yourself up by bringing me down

You make me stoop down to your level of childishness

You and your barbed statements make me doubt myself

No more.

You insult me, you ignore me

You expect us to stay friends

You end the topic to be the faux bigger person

No more.

I am pretty, I am smart

I will not worry my mind with people like you

I will complete my obligations, then forget you forever

I like me the way I am, fuck you.